6 Reasons the Aliens will Hate Us.

Let's face it: when Alien Laser Wombats finally arrive in their flock ship from Zabulon 7, they will probably not like us. 

I know you know what I'm talking about. Your first thought, like mine, is probably "Nicki Minaj!", am I right? Enough said!

Yes, clearly Nicki Minaj is a hole in humanity's swing that could mean our immediate demise if noticed by invading aliens.

But I kid Ms. Minaj. 

In addition to the preceding comical reason, here are six VERY SERIOUS REASONS the aliens will hate us and choose immediate incineration of our species over any kind of communication via their advanced nose-antennae. Any one of these six reasons is damning evidence against our species and will catapult relations into a no-holds-barred War of the Worlds contest(starring Tom Cruise, who is now 88 but still look, remarkably, 35ish) for the existence of humanity.

1. Money. 

As an intelligent species, If you want stuff, here are behaviors that make sense:

• Asking for stuff, 
  
• Sharing stuff equally with others according to need
  
• Exchanging stuff I need for stuff you need.

What does NOT make sense is creating a system based on slips of paper that have no value except the value we place in them, then trading those slips of paper as if they are valuable. 

Money is an Alien Concept.

This grown-up Pokemon card system of ours called "currency" is laughable, and our application for membership to the United Interstellar Agency would likely be laughed out of the Pan-dimensional Stadium that is their headquarters. In fact, we'd be lucky if the Alien Laser Wombats  even sponsor us for membership in the UIA. 

I can see the catcalls now as a lowly human steps forth to argue their cause for membership in front of the Radderglaks, Ehedripons, and Gzklungas. No doubt the Ehedripons would be the first to lay on the sarcasm by opening their elbow-plates derisively and braying "What do you hold up as proof of your advancement, humans, and with what gifts do you propose we accept you? Hand us large sums of your useless paper money and see if that works.  HAW HAW." 

Money: an  embarrassment for humanity.

2. McDonald's. 

Any race that admires food that makes their bodies slowly  bulge into putrescence is a race to be shunned. Our predilection with fast food in general and McDonald's specifically makes us the addicted drunk of the universe. 

Meeting the universe's soon-to-be homeless drunk is one thing, but when that drunk exhibits such clearly self-destructive behavior, don't expect Aliens to take us to an AA meeting. They'll just put us out of our misery. Wombats are very unsympathetic towards fast food. Or so I've heard.

3. Poverty. 

According to our own United Nations, if we could redirect the world's expenditures on ocean cruises, ice cream, perfumes, and pet food, we would have enough money to:

• Eliminate world hunger and malnutrition,
  
• Immunize every child worldwide, 
  
• Supply clean drinking water for everyone, and 
  
• Achieve universal literacy.

The fact that we haven't eliminated ANY of these problems on so small a planet will not go over well. Aliens will likely see this as a complete failure of common sense on the part of humanity, and insist that, like animals that can predict earthquakes but aren't smart enough to get in a doorway once they know it's coming(I KNOW RIGHT?), humans should just be put down, already.

Let's all go get on a cruise ship to visit the horribly underprivileged!

4. War - Oh, and there's the offing of one's own species. That's brilliant. So not only do humans poison their bodies, trade bits of paper for things of actual value, and ignore ever-present solutions to the largest threats to their mortality, they actually hasten their blind date with death by offing each other prematurely.

It couldn't get worse. Okay, it is worse. The history of war is the history of civilized, organized countries offing each other in progressively more organized ways. That is, until America screwed it all up with our revolution and the hit-and-run tactics. How are honorable men like the English supposed to sip tea during warfare, standing in straight lines eating their crumpets whilst tea-hating Americans hide in the bushes and shoot guns at them?

Again, the Americans have continued to advance the selfishness of war, first by developing the Atom Bomb, and finally by developing the Predator Drone. Finally, Humans can off each other without even having to do much more than seeing an image on a screen and pushing a button. 

It's like a video game! 

Let's hope the Alien Laser Wombats haven't spent as much time hating each other as we have. If they have, this is likely to be the shortest game of Space Invaders we ever play.

5. Wal-Mart. 

So this place exists: A giant store where their employees strike against them, the store actually drives out community-based businesses and inspires companies to outsource their manufacturing to other countries entirely. 

Wal-Mart may even make you fat. You don't have to tell that to her:

Blinded by her beauty? Vision center just ahead.

This place exists, and it's called Wal-Mart. The fact that this exists and people LOVE IT is another example of why aliens will look at us like we are water-skiiing dogs. We may as well strap boards to our feet and start barking.

It would be worse if the aliens could look inside a Wal-Mart before they meet us. They'd be looking into our evolutionary history. They might not like what they see. 

Maybe they'd be distracted by the low-low prices long enough for us to organize our military.

6. Alcohol 

Alcohol is another form of self-poison, but viewed from the outside, this one is even more hilarious. What if, in addition to poisoning your body, you could actually make yourself more stupid? If this sounds great, you are undeniably human. Alien Laser Wombats really COULD insist, with a war on the planet, that they were "just trying to help us along."

"Remember when that alien got so drunk and we duct taped him to the sofa?" And we laughed and laughed

Good news! Alcohol is also the reason we win our war with Alien Laser Wombats. Unlike the unrealistic depiction in War of the Worlds where a simple virus takes down an extremely advanced life form(bitch, please), alcohol is the substance that gives humanity the edge it needs for Tom Cruise to exact our revenge. Despite the obvious weakness alcohol indicates in our species, we have developed a tolerance for it, and in a flash of brilliance, Tom Cruise will be able to challenge the leader of the Alien Laser Wombats to a drinking game, winner-take-all. 

Of course, Tom's skills from "Cocktail" will also be on display, so we'll win any supposed contest with style points as well. Alien Laser Wombats are not so good with the bottle flips.