Wild and crazy millionaire
Howdy pardners! If'n you're a hankerin' for some good old fashioned American(that's US American) prosperitee, then here are summa the ways in which you two steerike it rich in the USA!
<Here endeth the fake southern drawl, which is already annoying. Instead, let's get to method #1:>
1) Our first method is tried and true: BE A MILLIONARE AND NEVER PAY TAXES!!
How, you might ask?
a) First, start with a million dollars.
b) Now you say "Tony... what do I say to the tax man when he comes to my door and says "You have never paid taxes"? Two simple words. Two simple words in the English language: “I forgot!”
Courtesy, Steve Martin, comedy genius, before he sold out to Bluegrass, Inc. and started playing the banjo, the BANJO I SAY. (c) 1978 Steve Martin Incorporated, all rights reserved. Reproduction of this joke without express written consent of Steve Martin, Incorporated, is forbidden. Reproduction of this joke with express written consent of Steve Martin, Incorporated, is probably also forbidden but you won't really know until you use it and he sues your ass. Try us. Seriously. Do it, you piddling little
2) Play the lottery.
Buy a lottery ticket! You can't win if you don't play!!
This has a time honored tradition in the United States. Think of all the many famous people who have won millions in the lottery and gone on to reach great heights in both philanthropy and public service. Okay, they ARE the same thing. Maybe philanthropy and business or something. Can you name them all? Yeah, me neither. What happens to these people? Do they all just buy Winnebagos and guns and move to the Grand Tetons or something? Or maybe they move to Barbados, which is smart. I hear in Barbados you don't have to pay taxes. Which is cool for plan #1.
<Here endeth the fake southern drawl, which is already annoying. Instead, let's get to method #1:>
1) Our first method is tried and true: BE A MILLIONARE AND NEVER PAY TAXES!!
How, you might ask?
a) First, start with a million dollars.
b) Now you say "Tony... what do I say to the tax man when he comes to my door and says "You have never paid taxes"? Two simple words. Two simple words in the English language: “I forgot!”
Courtesy, Steve Martin, comedy genius, before he sold out to Bluegrass, Inc. and started playing the banjo, the BANJO I SAY. (c) 1978 Steve Martin Incorporated, all rights reserved. Reproduction of this joke without express written consent of Steve Martin, Incorporated, is forbidden. Reproduction of this joke with express written consent of Steve Martin, Incorporated, is probably also forbidden but you won't really know until you use it and he sues your ass. Try us. Seriously. Do it, you piddling little
2) Play the lottery.
Buy a lottery ticket! You can't win if you don't play!!
This has a time honored tradition in the United States. Think of all the many famous people who have won millions in the lottery and gone on to reach great heights in both philanthropy and public service. Okay, they ARE the same thing. Maybe philanthropy and business or something. Can you name them all? Yeah, me neither. What happens to these people? Do they all just buy Winnebagos and guns and move to the Grand Tetons or something? Or maybe they move to Barbados, which is smart. I hear in Barbados you don't have to pay taxes. Which is cool for plan #1.
MJ: shining example of how wealth and fame makes you awesomer.
3) Be horrifically stupid.
And then televise that crap.
This is the USA, bitches. We love Snooki. we love Charlie Sheen. We even love Pauly Shore. Paris Hilton? Sure, she owns half of every crappy hotel you've ever even considered staying in, but we MADE HER by loving every night vision porn movie she ever made. Will you make more, Paris?
Please?
So if you want to be famous, come to the U.S.A. and become incredibly famous for almost nothing.
a) Be hot. Going down on someone, famous or no, may help, or it may just be a ticket to crack-whoredom. Filming it helps. This will be a defining moment for you - either you will be labeled a whore, scumbag, or pervert, or you will be catapulted to international stardom and receive many film offers. Either one or the other. Or both. Probably just the first one. But you never know.
b) Have tiger blood OR adonis DNA. WARNING: having BOTH tiger blood AND adonis DNA is not recommended and may lead to meth meltdown.
And then televise that crap.
This is the USA, bitches. We love Snooki. we love Charlie Sheen. We even love Pauly Shore. Paris Hilton? Sure, she owns half of every crappy hotel you've ever even considered staying in, but we MADE HER by loving every night vision porn movie she ever made. Will you make more, Paris?
Please?
So if you want to be famous, come to the U.S.A. and become incredibly famous for almost nothing.
a) Be hot. Going down on someone, famous or no, may help, or it may just be a ticket to crack-whoredom. Filming it helps. This will be a defining moment for you - either you will be labeled a whore, scumbag, or pervert, or you will be catapulted to international stardom and receive many film offers. Either one or the other. Or both. Probably just the first one. But you never know.
b) Have tiger blood OR adonis DNA. WARNING: having BOTH tiger blood AND adonis DNA is not recommended and may lead to meth meltdown.
c) Have so much plastic surgery that people can't help but take pictures of you.
d) Be so amazingly fat that you can't move. This will either result in getting on the TV show "The Biggest Loser", or your imminent demise and a rather expensive funeral due to additional costs associated with additional pallbearers, forklifts, and casket reinforcing. Warning: This is an all-or-nothing strategy.
e) Have so much crap in your house that it must be bulldozed for public safety reasons. Another excellent show, hoarders, is looking for YOU! Note: neuroses are neither specifically endorsed nor unendorsed by this author, who finds himself spell-checking more often than is common for most writers. Let's not call the kettle black, pot. Another note: the preceding was an American euphemism that you will need to look up if you are planning on relocating to the USA in or around rural areas of Ohio, West Virginia, Indiana, or anyplace those people may have moved.
f) Kill someone*
* Note that killing someone may make you famous, but 1) the author does not condone it, nor do the authorities, and b) it also may make you hide in fear from haters of this category who have a strange dislike for people who are murderers and may actually stalk you in a supposed attempt to try to kill you back. See Casey Anthony. Generally the worst strategy, behind extreme obesity. But it has been known to work. See OJ Simpson. Note #2: OJ successfully defended his criminal charges, but lost his ass in the civil suit, which means that those who prosecuted him hit the jackpot. See #8, Sue Someone.
4) Marry someone who has money. This subcategory has the bonus of also being a fit for intelligent people who just want to make good on the American Dream! This works for many women, but MEN! Do not overlook the possibilities here! Think KFed. And remember to think outside the box - Anderson Cooper might yet be available(it ain't legal yet, wink wink!)!
5) Be amazingly lucky. No seriously, trip over a fallen bag of money or something. It happens. Alternatively, design a product improvement like the pet rock, New Coke, BumpIts, or the Santa Dreidel. I have seven of those. Mostly because my browser was slow and I clicked more than I needed to. I HATE that. This strategy also worked for Yakov Smirnov, it should be noted. Not the clicking too many times, since the height of his career was before the internet. The lucky part.
d) Be so amazingly fat that you can't move. This will either result in getting on the TV show "The Biggest Loser", or your imminent demise and a rather expensive funeral due to additional costs associated with additional pallbearers, forklifts, and casket reinforcing. Warning: This is an all-or-nothing strategy.
e) Have so much crap in your house that it must be bulldozed for public safety reasons. Another excellent show, hoarders, is looking for YOU! Note: neuroses are neither specifically endorsed nor unendorsed by this author, who finds himself spell-checking more often than is common for most writers. Let's not call the kettle black, pot. Another note: the preceding was an American euphemism that you will need to look up if you are planning on relocating to the USA in or around rural areas of Ohio, West Virginia, Indiana, or anyplace those people may have moved.
f) Kill someone*
* Note that killing someone may make you famous, but 1) the author does not condone it, nor do the authorities, and b) it also may make you hide in fear from haters of this category who have a strange dislike for people who are murderers and may actually stalk you in a supposed attempt to try to kill you back. See Casey Anthony. Generally the worst strategy, behind extreme obesity. But it has been known to work. See OJ Simpson. Note #2: OJ successfully defended his criminal charges, but lost his ass in the civil suit, which means that those who prosecuted him hit the jackpot. See #8, Sue Someone.
4) Marry someone who has money. This subcategory has the bonus of also being a fit for intelligent people who just want to make good on the American Dream! This works for many women, but MEN! Do not overlook the possibilities here! Think KFed. And remember to think outside the box - Anderson Cooper might yet be available(it ain't legal yet, wink wink!)!
5) Be amazingly lucky. No seriously, trip over a fallen bag of money or something. It happens. Alternatively, design a product improvement like the pet rock, New Coke, BumpIts, or the Santa Dreidel. I have seven of those. Mostly because my browser was slow and I clicked more than I needed to. I HATE that. This strategy also worked for Yakov Smirnov, it should be noted. Not the clicking too many times, since the height of his career was before the internet. The lucky part.
What in the hell is this guy talking about?
6) Be Crazy Smart with bad hair. There was this guy, named Einstein, who was so smart he could like think of like the future and light and stuff, and how if like we went really fast you could go back in time, so he basically invented Start Trek - and Superman. What was crazy about him was that he didn't know his own phone number and never combed his hair, so he was like famous for that, not knowing his own phone number and never combing his hair. So I'm sure people were like "Hey Albert, let me call you real quick! What's your number?" and he was like "I don't know, but I can tell you how fast light goes if you are on a train" and everyone would laugh and point at the guy with crazy hair. The end.
7) Be really good at Kung Fu. Thanks Jackie Chan for being a shining example!
8) Sue Someone. Too lazy to sue? there's an app for that! This from the you-have-to-be-freaking-kidding-me department.
There you have it - 8 ways to make it in The USA!
(To be fair, you could also be talented and smart, but this is so much harder it isn't included here)
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