Spousal communication, or what I refer to as "getting your ass kicked daily", is something that most couples struggle with over time in their marriage. My wife and I are no exception. From disciplining the children, to money, and even arguing about arguing, we've had our share of "elevated discussions", and our neighbors may even have raised an eyebrow at times. 

You, in the ambitious boy recliner! Don't you want to learn how to win an argument with your wife? Isn't that important to you? And wouldn't you pay 6 easy monthly installments of 29.95 to find out how? Most men would like to know exactly how to win an argument with their wives. Don't you, just once, want that feeling of victory instead of that sheepish, empty feeling that you've won, but really you just mentally handed her the credit card and a license to revenge shop that $200 pair of shoes she's been ogling?

Check out this free preview below!

It's that simple! For more, check out the e-book I've written on the subject. And then come back and read more nonsense below. Or above, assuming I've written something after this little shenanigan and both of my hands aren't broken. I have to go. Someone's coming.

Special thanks to Bill Maher for page 2 of this exhaustive treatment of the Ryan plan. Mr. Maher, you will forever be an inspiration to some.

Having trouble meeting people? Most people do, unless you're that annoyingly gregarious person that seems to make friends wherever they go. I hate those guys. There are some very simple tricks that salespeople use to make friends quickly and easily, and you can apply these "Three S's" in your everyday life to do the same thing. Here are some simple tips for the rest of us - that is, people other than the annoyingly gregarious types, because 1) you don't need tips to meet them, those annoying people are everywhere, and 2) Let's be honest, you do not want to be friends with those idiots.

Let's get started! 

Smile
The first really important tip to making friends with ANYONE INSTANTLY(TM) is to smile. It's a tried and true method! And the best part is, this is something anyone can do - smiling is natural to humans almost from the time they are born. When photographers take pictures of babies after they are born in the hospital. they tickle their palate, which either conditions their smile reflex or their gag reflex, but the result is the same - a winning smile that allows baby's first picture to be something memorable, at least right before they spit up. 

Everyone loves a baby's smile, and your new almost-friends will love yours! So don't be afraid to flash it wherever you go. Unless you have bad teeth. This is very off-putting, isn't it? When someone with bad teeth smiles at you, you are like "Hi there - YIKES!" I personally have retracted my handshake from that person, so I know what I'm talking about. Do not smile if you have bad teeth. Or if you are one of those people who looks weird smiling, you know? If your smile makes you look like an axe murderer, for instance, it's probably a good thing if you do NOT smile. So if you can, just smile kind've halfway, which is safer than a full smile and has the added benefits of making you seem both humble and approachable, but not in a weird way, at least not if you do it right. 

You'll have to practice smiling, which is best done in front of the mirror at first, and then with your dog. If your dog runs away or attacks you, you know you are doing it incorrectly.

Smell
The second way is to smell nice. This is less of a way to meet people than a way to make sure you don't NOT meet people. In other words, not smelling nice will not hurt your chances, but neither will it not harm your chances. I think I said that right. If you are one of those people who would benefit by brushing your teeth at least once a week to prevent nasty plaque buildup, by all means keep the plaque at bay by brushing your teeth. There is nothing worse than talking to someone with bad breath, because even if they are really nice you end up doing that "I'm listening but it's impolite to run" thing where you are in fight-or-flight mode and believe me other people can sense that in a conversation and they do not like it. The feeling that the other person will might leave the conversation without warning at any second is not socially permissible unless you are a politician working the crowd, in which case these rules are REALLY IMPORTANT, except for this one so don't read it. But for everyone else it really counts though. 

Also don't forget deodorant because that is really embarrassing to suddenly realize that the terrible smell you have in your nose is actually you. This has personally happened to me and it is so frustrating.

Shut Up
The third way to make friends with ANYONE INSTANTLY(TM) is to get the other person talking. Getting them talking is a great way to get people to open up about themselves, and all the books I've read say people really like talking about themselves! Take me for example. When other people are talking it's like blah blah blah but if I can talk about the salamanders in my terrarium or about the clutter in my garage I could go on for HOURS. I actually have a theory kinda like the missing dryer socks theory that no matter how you work to clean the garage stuff always appears so it will never be clean. Okay it's kinda like the sock theory in reverse, like things are popping into our universes from the dryers of different universes. 

I guess to really work in conjunction with the sock thing you would need to first state that socks from other universes are transmuted into garage clutter before they enter this universe and end up in my garage, other wise the whole thing isn't - oh that's funny. We started talking about how to get the other person talking and I kinda went off for a second. You can see it really works though, right? That's funny, I totally see what you did there.

Another note of caution that this might totally not work if the other person has bad breath and could be a complete backfire, meaning you might end up holding your breath and doing the almost run away thing, a definite friendship-killer.

Anyway the point is to get them talking, and you do that by asking a question and shutting up. Most programs that talk about learning to make friends easily(note: NOT INSTANTLY!) are really short on practical how-to's. Here are some sample phrases to get other people talking. Keep it simple and encourage them to talk with open ended questions like: 
"Hey, what kind of salamanders do you like?" or
"Do you know very much about the dryer-sock-garage-clutter theory?"

Make sure after you ask these questions you give a nice long pause so the other person can answer - no one likes to be interrupted. This will really get them talking because people don't like uncomfortable silence either. I call this the "shut up!" rule.

There are really three key rules to help you make friends with ANYONE INSTANTLY(TM):

1) Almost Smile
2) Shut Up
3) Smell Good

I was going to put one more "S" in there in case of certain "exceptions", but there is no S in that word so we'll just use these three. Wait there is at the end of it but whatever that's just a plural word so it doesn't really count since it isn't memorable.

As long as you follow these "Three S" rules, you are sure to make friends! Try it on the next 100 people you talk to you and you will be amazed at the results. Remember, even being considered the "dumb" friend is still friendship status, so don't be afraid to be that guy if you have to be. It still counts as a friend!

ANYONE INSTANTLY(TM) is a trademark of "You Can Make Friends With ANYONE INSTANTLY"(TM)(TM) /error circular reference
Buy our e-book on how to make friends with ANYONE INSTANTLY(TM) here. 

SEATTLE (AP) -- Tony Markey is preparing for a corporate purchase.

'It's been in the cards for awhile now,' says Markey, a 44-year old Seattle blogger with rugged good looks. 'Many bloggers are receiving offers from companies who want the kind of spectacular name recognition that comes from setting up a website and intermittently writing about random subjects.'

According to Markey, a natural charmer who is often mistaken for a celebrity, a 'very prominent internet company' is about to make him a substantial offer for his personal website, www.tonymarkey.info, based solely on his blogging about sometimes serious, occasionally humorous topics ranging from Usain Bolt to Paul Ryan.

"Most bloggers write purely for financial gain, and when they achieve the kind of mass appeal my site has seen in the last month, a lucrative offer from 'one of the big boys' isn't far behind." Asked how he defines that mass appeal, Markey, a cheerful and gregarious jobseeker with a Master's in Business Administration, points to the amount of traffic coming in to his site, noting that 'I've seen a 600% increase in traffic this month alone, now almost 200 visits.'

Markey's blog site at www.tonymarkey.info wasn't always popular. With his natural charisma, Markey notes that just 30 days ago, his site was only receiving 50% of the expected traffic. "I knew I had to do something," he says with a wry smile masking an irresistibly attractive humilty, "I mean, 50%? That's almost half!"

What kind of an offer does he expect to purchase his website and all the traffic that goes along with it? Tony explains that while traffic is a good indicator of prospective purchase price, the real attraction of his site is attractive personality and engaging wit. "I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty cool. A company would probably pay a lot for that in a website, probably in the seven-figure area, especially if you count seven figures as including the digits after the decimal points."

Tony credits his MBA with his business acumen, waving his finger casually like the cute italian you would imagine based on his name, only without quite so much hair: "I'm getting real good with numbers, too, like people used to say 'I feel a thousand percent better', and that would be really confusing, you know? But now I totally get that. Get it - TOTALly?" He chuckles quietly in a self-deprecating yet completely effective manner, adding: "A little MBA humor for you."

A real offer, according to the dreamy and virile Tony, is probably "only weeks away." In the meantime, we'll continue to enjoy his handsome wit - for as long as it lasts before the inevitable purchase by a company that wants to achieve the same kind of fame Tony himself has achieved based on his spectacular humility,impressive intellect, and beautiful smile.

Contributor: Tony Markey

If you're like millions of Americans, the eve of the Republican National Convention has you asking one very important question: 

"Is Mitt Romney a robot?" Practically every clip of Mitt Romney off-script walking among humans leads one to the inescapable conclusion that he may not be of organic origin. He may in fact be an automaton, mindlessly spewing out platitudes according to pre-determined audience programming. After all, his stiff, awkward encounters with "real" people are reminiscent of how a robot unfamiliar with the world but recently released from the laboratory/manufacturer/confines of his spaceship might act if it were placed in society. 

But is Mitt Romney a robot? Hardly. The differences are subtle but important for everyone to understand.

Call it the ultimate teleprompter. 

Programming a robot to perform complex commands is as easy as having the patience to program those commands, whether that action is assembling parts in manufacturing, playing as a contestant on Jeopardy, or speaking to a political audience.

To prove Romney is not a robot, let's look at Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics:

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A robot must obey the orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.

Starting with the third law, Romney is in trouble. Romney's economic plan favors his own interests and those of ultra-rich robots - er, job creators - like him. Whether you agree with this ideology or not, preaching trickle-down economics from a guy at the top of the economic ladder is like Charlie Sheen becoming an advocate for clean-needle heroin clinics. Romney is clearly protecting his own interests. One point for robot-as-world-leader Romneytron 2012.

Romney holds up a little better under Asimov's second law, though mostly because it's less clear. Who, exactly, would be programming his orders? Is he obeying them? One could argue that the Adelson-Koch money and Romney's economic policies, again, are the smoking gun, but without an actual Presidential record to analyze, we're looking at whether or not we can call this a gun at all. The Citizens United decision has led to unprecedented money in campaigns via SuperPACs - but this is not an argument for or against a robotic Romney. If the success of your SuperPAC fundraising is a measure, then Romney is a robot. One could just as easily, however, argue that he is simply "a better robot than Obama". No clear decision on  law #2.

Under the first law - a robot may not injure a human being - we may get more clarification. It's impossible not to point out the fact that putting your dog in a roof rack is exactly the kind of robotic behavior(hear Devo's commentary on this) that would get the "tilt your head to one side and look puzzled" treatment in the made-for-tv-movie "Robot Romney makes a Friend". Still, a dog is not a human, so this is not a violation of the first rule.

Has Romney harmed humans? Oooh, Isaac Asimov, you stepped in it here!

Buzz cut for gay classmate? No physical damage. Hair is dead cells. Not a robot. Emotional damage doesn't count.


Romneycare? Helped people get health insurance coverage. State version of Obamacare's socialist programs. No harm there.


Abortion policies? Please. He's saving lives here, even if he's emotionally damaging mothers of rapists. If anything, this proves he is NOT a robot.

The most significant damage Romney appears to have made in his life to humans(besides the firing of people, the espousal of hate speech, I mean beside the OBVIOUS stuff) is the fact that he was a cheerleader in high school. 

You can't un-imagine that now, can you.

Mitt Romney cannot play three dimensional chess. This is clear from his poor rhetoric, though we have never heard this from the Romney camp. The Republican party is so diverse, so segregated in its own spectrum of beliefs that being the front man of such a range of ideologies would require an incredible amount of computing power, processing muscle that Romney clearly doesn't have. If he has a computer brain, it's clearly a Tandy. Looks okay on a TV, but really can't do much else.

Mitt Romney regularly contradicts what would be prior programming. Tom Tomorrow explains this by Romney-Bot being dual replications of Romney that never sync up properly, but that's a little far fetched, isn't it? I mean, TWO robots? That would be absurd. One robot, sure, but TWO?

He also makes illogical blunders, and these seem to be blunders based on his propensity to find emotions incomprehensible when he encouters them. According to every science fiction book and movie ever created*, this is the hallmark of a robot mind. Take these statements:

• "Corporations are people, my friend" (MY FRIEND?!!!)
  
• "I like being able to fire people" (You like ruining...? oh good God.) 
  
• "I'm also unemployed" (*splutter*)
  

Mitt-O-Matic also has a tendency to tell us that it - I mean HE - has friends who are people who own the things we like in order to ingratiate himself to us. No, I don't like NASCAR, but I have friends who are owners. No, I don't like the NFL, but I have friends who are owners. Every one of these statements indicates a basic inability to understand your audience at the simplest emotional level. I, ROMNEYBOT.

Here's an outlier, however:

"Join me in welcoming the next President of the United States, Paul Ryan." 

This is RIGHT OUT if you are a robot. A robot would never EVER have made such a complete failure of a statement by misstating basic facts. Unless the programming was faulty, like the programmer had accidentally inserted "Paul Ryan" into the field marked "President" instead of "Vice President". hm. Easy to correct.

To be fair, Romney's voting record is pretty complex, and includes a number of reversals of his own beliefs. This is very human, and indicates an ability to synthesize complex information that is very difficult for robots. 

Robo-Romney? Not a chance. If Romney were a robot, his awkward exchanges would lead to learning and prevent future gaffes, resulting in an improvement for his robotic programming. 

Asimov's three laws are a bit uncertain. Perhaps most convincing argument that Romney is not a robot is the fact that the erstwhile Robomney is so poorly programmed. And this is bad news for America, at least for this election. 

Perhaps we could get better programming if we, like the Romneytron 2012 itself, outsourced it? 

*Every science fiction book and movie ever created? This is an empirical fact and is therefore indisputable. Note, however, that emotional repression may indicate that Romney is Vulcan, though admittedly far less loveable than Spock. Or worse, Romulan.  

Update: an excellent analysis of the sudden upsurge in Romney's Twitter followers from The Atlantic. Hm. One might suspect robot if you believe robots and computers collude together. In an interview earlier this week, Twitter itself responded to these allegations with "I was just following orders." 

This has been a warning for my regular readers. If you are an irregular reader, that's really not something I can do anything about, but maybe you should go to the pharmacy or something.

This is for me how I write content. It is unique content suitable for any of your website, for syndication and is written with the good grammar and spelling and english necessary for premier best writing today. 

I am writing my own content for my blog too; it is often cheap to write for your blog or website and charge only four American cents per 500 words of talking. It's not very much for excellent articles such as this one written 100% by me.

As most people that are live in America know, there are basically just three ways to write good internet enabled content for your website today:

1) Write it yourself. This is the best most quickest way to become expert in your field, generate traffics to your site and become an expert in your field. I always recommends this to new bloggers and posters, and describe the best ways to do it in my website dedicated to good blogging practice here, for just 29.95 in an e-book. (hint: spell check is very important!)

2) Get other people to write it. This is sometimes looked down on by other persons as they see it as a "cheaper" way to develop contents that isn't good as other content. I would never do this or have someone else write it. On this site we produce great things to say that we always say ourselves, never through people in Malaysia or places like that that produce inferior words in English. They are harder to understand too.

The third way to get good content is mostly the same as the first, write it yourself, only include a lot of quotations and links. Sometimes people can overlink their articles making frustration for reader, but good sources and backlinks like that plus some pictures can really drive people to your site and is a good way to SEO your site too, but sometimes this can backfire which is why I tend to have zero links due to readers can get distracted by links and end up leaving your site resulting in zero revenue for you which is something I like to talk about in my ebook too.

I hope you find this three ways helpful for you to write content for your site. 

People often ask me "Tony, how do you know so much about surviving the upcoming zombie apocalypse?"

The easy answer is "Because I have already survived it".

Not literally, of course, unless you count the innumerable times I have shaken my head at the mindless throngs of drooling morons posting, figuratively, "braaaaains" comments on the internet.

Or the times I have questioned my progeny's apparent inability to use a modicum of the mental prowess that millions of years of evolution as well as the wise teachings of their parents have given them before doing things like a) crossing the street, b) eating over your plate, or c) peeing INTO the toilet. Or wiping. But that's another tale of horror.

That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about zombie video games, of course, the only legitimate training ground for surviving the up-and-coming zombie apocalypse.

Zombie video games allow us to indulge our fantasies - as well as to prepare our minds - for what will surely doom us all: a virus or government weapon or genetic mutation or alien infestation. See, so many reasons, it seems pretty likely allasudden, doesn't it? See The Oatmeal's rundown for a play-by-play of how it will happen. 

Zombie apocalypse survival, at least according to my favorite game Left for Dead 2, is based on these simple concepts:

1) Only trust four people. If there are four others, do not trust them. They are the worst kind of zombies.

2) One of the four must be a girl. It's a ratio thing. Survival of humanity and all.

3) Try not to shoot each other! But if you do, it's okay. Accidents happen. I usually just say "whoopsie!"

4) If you are hurt, careful searching of nearby areas will likely produce medical supplies that will heal you in part or completely, so don't worry too much about your health.

5) Food is a given. Don't worry about it.

6) Even if you die, a friend can use a nearby defibrillator to revive you. Phew! 

7) Also, don't worry about ammunition. The next infinite ammunition supply will be at the next saferoom - which is just minutes away down an easy-to-see prescribed path.

So, friends, clearly I will be your best option when the Zombie Apocalypse is upon us.

In love(except for zombies. of course, I hate those mother ******ers.), 

Tony

If you don't believe me, you are not listening correctly. 

Some people are decidedly unserious, but that is not the case with me, I assure you. I am intense, stare you down, give-no-quarter serious about what I am saying. Don't even screw with me on this.

Too many people in America today are flip, saying things without really paying attention to the words that come out of their mouth. It is anathema to me that the largest part of our society spends its time with nonsensical texts, banal conversations about "the weather" or matters of little international importance. 

In 20 years we will all be laughing at this. Laughing at how unserious we were when we were young.

Join me now in a moment of gravity. We live admidst turmoil, war, economic disaster, and impending doom. There has never been a more serious time in our history.

I should not be ignored when I make these points:

Vienna sausages are neither a) from Vienna or b) qualified to represent sausages. They are nasty and consumption of them should be terminated immediately. Only a mirthful fool would question this.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer is perhaps the finest series ever created for television. This is an irrefutable fact that brooks no argument.

Kim Kardashian is a ho-bag. Still, she is hot. You are not being honest with the people of the world if you disagree with me on this.

Justin Timberlake is the most talented man in entertainment. The ability to dance, sing, and act exceptionally well makes him more than a triple threat. His abs make him a quadruple threat. Even Usain Bolt falls short of the talent level of this man. I adore him, and you should too if you have any sense of commitment to your life and the people you love.

These are all important facts, prima facie, and I am completely serious about them.

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