I do so with humility, deeply moved by the trust you have placed in me, even after the incident with the roof rack. I appreciate your accounting for the fact that with repeated washings the car and dog came out clean. Being the family President is a great honor. It is an even greater responsibility – as indicated by those repeated washings.
Tonight I am asking you to join me to walk together to a better future for our family. No, Vaughn, not like our after-dinner walks - really those are just to help us digest our food. No, I’m not talking about food right now. Good question. I’m talking about taking a metaphorical walk towards the future. It’s a metaphor. Okay, I’ll explain that sometime. But Keaton gets it, it’s like a comparison to a walk. Right Keaton? Keaton. Put the Nintendo away. Family talk time. Thanks. Look, I’m just saying we’re moving forward as a family. Into the future. That’s it.
And yes, you still have to go to school in the morning.
By my side, I have chosen a woman with a big heart and from a small, somewhat questionable town in New Jersey.
Four years ago, I know that most of you – okay, all of you - felt a fresh excitement about the possibilities of a new president. That choice was made based on decisions at the time that the pie she made that night was delicious and she promised more of it.
I should be clear: that President was not the my particular choice for President, though she does have a rockin body, but families always come together after elections. We are a good and generous family who are united by so much more than what divides us, whether or not we can get a square inch of leftover blanket to cover us at night when the current President is hogging all the covers.
When that hard fought election campaign was over, when the rallies were over, the television commercials finally came off the air the yard signs came down(so sorry I accidentally mowed over those honey, ‘oops’<wink to crowd>), , our family was eager to go back to playing, to live our lives the way this family always has – optimistic and positive and confident in our future, especially regarding upcoming Wii games and Minecraft buildings.
That very optimism is unique to our family.
It is what brought us together as a family. We are a family of video game players. We are the children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren of the ones who wanted a better life, the driven ones, the ones who woke up at night wondering if there was some way to create a video game platform that would unite a family instead of dividing it on console lines, hearing that voice telling them that life in our family could be better.
They joined this family not just in pursuit of the riches of this world but for the richness of this life.
Freedom of food choices.
Freedom to load the dishes in the way they want to.
Freedom to talk back if they so desired.
Freedom to build a pillow fort in the middle of the living room.
And yes, freedom to build a business that their mother and father would be the sole customers of, paying exorbitant prices for practically useless products.
Built with their own hands. <pause for applause/laughter>
This is the essence of our family’s experience.
Our family has always felt a special kinship with the future.
(What does that mean? Well, Aidan, um, ‘kinship’ is a feeling like something is family. Yes, well technically I did say that the future is family, but it really means that it’s something that is important to us. Or we relate to it. Does that make sense? Okay, yes, maybe that is a bit weird, but it’s just another way of saying we’re walking into the future together okay?)
But today is four years from the excitement of the last election – which, I should add, was hotly contested and narrowly won by the incumbent. Of course we maintain to this day that the dog jumping into her lap does not constitute the winning vote. - But today, for the first time, the majority of this family now doubts that our children will have a better future. A future free from the oppressive regime that peddles toothpaste usage reform and promises more pies as a serious platform, but has really done nothing in the last four years to change the way toothpaste has been used or the number or frequency of pies, though it appears we have a pie tonight.
It is not what we were promised.
Our family wanted this to be a time when they could get ahead a little more, put aside a little more for college, play a little more with legos, or finally beat Super Mario Kart using Bowser.
This was the hope and change this family voted for.
It’s not just what we wanted. It’s not just what we expected.
It’s what this family deserved.
You deserved it because during these years, you worked harder than ever before. You tried to learn how to install a toilet paper roll properly, and not use half the roll every time you used the bathroom. You deserved it because when it cost more to buy a can of silly string, you cleaned your room more, you worked longer hours folding socks or doing dishes. You did it because your family depended on you. You did it because it was what you had to do to earn those extra 25 cents for a new Pokemon trading card which you played with for exactly four minutes before your brother folded it in half, resulting in a giant crying meltdown, the impact of which you’re still feeling today.
But what could you do? Except work harder, try to do more with less toilet paper, try to stay optimistic.
I wish our President had succeeded because I want us to succeed. But her promises gave way to disappointment and division. Seriously, do you remember our argument over hair cuts for the middle child? This isn't something we have to accept. Now is the moment when we CAN do something. With your help we will do something.
Now is the moment when we can stand up and say, “I’m a member of this family. I make my destiny. And we deserve better! This family deserves better. My country deserves better! We don’t want a President who sympathizes with those who disagree with pizza night, or apologizes for the fact that our lawn doesn’t look as great as that mean neighbor who never talks to us!”
So here we stand. This family has a choice. A decision. No, you cannot go to the bathroom Aidan. You can wait a few minutes. Geez. I’m in the middle of a thing here.
You might have asked yourself if these last years are really the family we want, the family won for us by Grandma and Grandpa.
Does the family we want borrow on the credit card to buy new scooters for the kids? No.
Does it fail to pay allowances when it is needed for kids who are too busy reading comic books to do their chores? No.
And does the family we want continue to foster the kind of resentment and division popular under this President, like the time she laughed at me because I put my underwear on backwards – for ONE SECOND, I swear? We know the answer.
Yes, I’m almost done Keaton.
And Keaton, I still like the playlist on my iPod better than yours. What? What are you talking about, Nickelback is awesome.
Is too. Is too!
The family we all know has been a story of the many becoming one, uniting to preserve liberty - yes, like the Statue of Liberty, very good Vaughn - uniting to build the greatest economy in the world, uniting to save the world from unspeakable darkness. Seriously guys stop talking, I’m almost done.
If I am elected President of this family, I will work with all my energy and soul to restore our family, to lift our eyes to a better future. No Vaughn, not literally lifting our eyes. That would be gross, wouldn’t it. Anyway.
That future is our destiny. That future is out there. It is waiting for us. You, our children deserve it, our nation depends upon it, the peace and freedom of the world require it. Hey, this is not just being dramatic. I’m talking about our family’s place in the world. And with your help we will deliver it. Let us begin that future together tonight.
After pie, baked by our soon-to-be former President. Please don’t vote based on the pie. Seriously, you know how that worked out last time.