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Marshawn Lynch is a Boob.

1/27/2015

 
I’m sick sick sick of people defending Marshawn Lynch for not talking to the media. He’s a boob, Marshawn Lynch. A boob that could show up at my house right now and crumple me into tinfoil for saying that. Agreed. But a boob nonetheless.

I get his desire NOT to talk to the media. It can be a circus. I’m not a part of that world, I’m just a sometime fan, someone who lives near Seattle and appreciates this incredible ride the Seahawks have taken us on. It’s thrilling and unusual for us, and there is something very special about this team.

I will be rooting for Marshawn Lynch next week, you can be sure. The Seahawks’ success is in no small way related to the prowess of the BEST running back in the league. He’s respected throughout the league for his ability, and rightly so. An incredibly gifted athlete, and a kind person too. You have to respect and admire that.

Marshawn returned a wallet to its rightful owner. He’s a good guy. He has great relationships with his teammates, runs like a cross between a ballet dancer and a rhinoceros, and often doesn’t go out of bounds at the end of the play. Fantastic.

But the media thing? Boobish.
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And not to insult boobs everywhere. I, like many men, am a fan of boobs. I am talking about boob in the perjorative sense:  “A stupid or foolish person”

I could respect it if Lynch was clowning the media. I could respect it if Lynch would respond with something clever like “We were sportsing hard, and the other team wanted to sports too, but our team sportsed and sportsed, we never gave up sportsting, and scored more pointses in the game so we won it.” I don’t know, something fun, not tacitly insulting like “I’m here so I won’t get fined” and “Yeah” and “Thank you for asking.” That’s not even a good joke.

Another Seattle fan countered this today, saying Lynch has stage fright. That’s a hilarious idea, and a new one for me. But check out this Cal clip. These are not the actions of someone who has a sudden fear of being on camera. Refusing to talk to the media are the actions of someone who just doesn’t want to play by the rules anymore.

Lynch was also interviewed on camera by former Seahawk now-analyst Michael Robinson.

This isn’t stage fright. It’s just Lynch being a petulant kid who doesn’t want to do something he’s supposed to do.

You are paid to be in the circus, Marshawn. Protesting it AFTER you sign the contract is as pointless as it is stupid. It’s demeaning to the game and to the reporters who are trying to tell your story, the Seahawks’ story, the NFL’s story. In this way, it’s also insulting to the fans who want to hear what you were thinking and doing both before, during, and after the game. Instead, we find only bad jokes where there could be insight, only lame quotes where there might be inspiration.

Its funny hearing so many in Seattle defend him. Lynch apologists abound. “The media needs to leave him alone.” “The media are a bunch of children!” “Just let him play football!”

In Seattle, I’m in the minority in my criticism of Lynch, in the same way that it’s hard to find people who don’t like Tom Brady in Boston.

Let’s remember that Lynch makes over seven million dollars per year, and part of the contract he signed requires him to talk to the media. Is that too much to ask? The media isn’t the “child” in this analogy. Lynch is. Think of the number of players who would literally give their testicles to be in his situation – and they would happily talk to the media, soprano or no. Love to talk to the media. Please let me talk, They would say. Put a camera in front of them. Mic them up.

Heck, pay me seven million a year and I’d run a one-hour press conference by myself. I’d even play the tin whistle and perform an interpretive dance on a subject of your choosing.

Of course, the results of my on-field performance might not be the same as Lynch’s. Ahem.

So man up, Marshawn. The fans want to hear from you too, but we are forced to try and defend the Seahawks snotty running back because he can’t act civilly towards reporters. When slapped with a fine by your NFL “Dad,” you take it directly to “I know you are and what am I?” phase. "Yeah." "Thank you for Asking." How is that different from my kids telling me they don’t want to put the dishes away?

Lynch lives in the house. He should do the work that’s required. Is that so danged difficult? It’s just the dishes. Everyone has to do them. It’s a house rule.

Actually, I wouldn’t really have a problem with this except that Lynch is contractually obligated. That’s the kicker for me. It’s ludicrous to suggest that the NFL should remove this from any player’s contract, so let’s not pretend that this is somehow a viable option. There is a gofundme trying to raise money to pay Lynch’s fine. Seriously, we’re so delusional we want to crowdsource a petulant millionaire’s fine.

 If you do any work on contract, you probably have the same feelings about this that I do. You are probably a little miffed at someone who makes millions but can’t fulfill the most basic requirements of what they should do. If you’re a plumber, imagine someone who refuses to install to code because they don’t want to. Or if you’re a manager, you don’t really have to abide all those dumb HR rules, do you? Why should I have to clock in everyday, anyway?

It feels like being in the middle of a parent arguing with his child, doesn’t it?

In the real world, refusing something you are contractually obligated to do has real consequences, and often they involve being fired. But this is the fantasyland of the NFL, where even cheating is shrugged off. I’m talking to you, New England. At least Seattle fans aren’t trying to explain Avogadro’s law this week in justification of our players, right? It could definitely be worse.
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And Hey Lynch: will you sign my football? What do you mean “Thank you for asking?”

Okay, yeah, I probably blew any shot at that with this article, didn’t I?

“Yeah.”

I’ll still root for Lynch and the Seahawks this weekend. At the end of the day, I don’t really care if he talks with the media. It’s just a guy breaking his contract. It’s stupid, but the effect is negligible on the sport. Lynch is still the best runner in the game, and that is the most important aspect of football, right?

“Yeah.”

 Go Seahawks!

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