People often ask me "Tony, how do you know so much about surviving the upcoming zombie apocalypse?"
The easy answer is "Because I have already survived it".
Not literally, of course, unless you count the innumerable times I have shaken my head at the mindless throngs of drooling morons posting, figuratively, "braaaaains" comments on the internet.
Or the times I have questioned my progeny's apparent inability to use a modicum of the mental prowess that millions of years of evolution as well as the wise teachings of their parents have given them before doing things like a) crossing the street, b) eating over your plate, or c) peeing INTO the toilet. Or wiping. But that's another tale of horror.
That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about zombie video games, of course, the only legitimate training ground for surviving the up-and-coming zombie apocalypse.
The easy answer is "Because I have already survived it".
Not literally, of course, unless you count the innumerable times I have shaken my head at the mindless throngs of drooling morons posting, figuratively, "braaaaains" comments on the internet.
Or the times I have questioned my progeny's apparent inability to use a modicum of the mental prowess that millions of years of evolution as well as the wise teachings of their parents have given them before doing things like a) crossing the street, b) eating over your plate, or c) peeing INTO the toilet. Or wiping. But that's another tale of horror.
That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about zombie video games, of course, the only legitimate training ground for surviving the up-and-coming zombie apocalypse.
Zombie video games allow us to indulge our fantasies - as well as to prepare our minds - for what will surely doom us all: a virus or government weapon or genetic mutation or alien infestation. See, so many reasons, it seems pretty likely allasudden, doesn't it? See The Oatmeal's rundown for a play-by-play of how it will happen.
Zombie apocalypse survival, at least according to my favorite game Left for Dead 2, is based on these simple concepts:
1) Only trust four people. If there are four others, do not trust them. They are the worst kind of zombies.
2) One of the four must be a girl. It's a ratio thing. Survival of humanity and all.
3) Try not to shoot each other! But if you do, it's okay. Accidents happen. I usually just say "whoopsie!"
4) If you are hurt, careful searching of nearby areas will likely produce medical supplies that will heal you in part or completely, so don't worry too much about your health.
5) Food is a given. Don't worry about it.
6) Even if you die, a friend can use a nearby defibrillator to revive you. Phew!
7) Also, don't worry about ammunition. The next infinite ammunition supply will be at the next saferoom - which is just minutes away down an easy-to-see prescribed path.
So, friends, clearly I will be your best option when the Zombie Apocalypse is upon us.
In love(except for zombies. of course, I hate those mother ******ers.),
Tony
Zombie apocalypse survival, at least according to my favorite game Left for Dead 2, is based on these simple concepts:
1) Only trust four people. If there are four others, do not trust them. They are the worst kind of zombies.
2) One of the four must be a girl. It's a ratio thing. Survival of humanity and all.
3) Try not to shoot each other! But if you do, it's okay. Accidents happen. I usually just say "whoopsie!"
4) If you are hurt, careful searching of nearby areas will likely produce medical supplies that will heal you in part or completely, so don't worry too much about your health.
5) Food is a given. Don't worry about it.
6) Even if you die, a friend can use a nearby defibrillator to revive you. Phew!
7) Also, don't worry about ammunition. The next infinite ammunition supply will be at the next saferoom - which is just minutes away down an easy-to-see prescribed path.
So, friends, clearly I will be your best option when the Zombie Apocalypse is upon us.
In love(except for zombies. of course, I hate those mother ******ers.),
Tony
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