Dear Nigerian Prince:
Dear Dr. Okon:
First off, it is completely unacceptable the way you and your family have been treated by the current regime, and my sincerest condolences at the murder of your mother, father, and all of your siblings at the hands of the royal guard. It is obvious by your use of ALL CAPS that you are personally devastated by this, are in dire need of my assistance, and have been so impoverished by recent events that your keyboard does not include lower case keys.
Second, I am totally flattered that a prince would even consider doing business with someone like me. I mean, I know that embezzlement is a huge deal-breaker for most people in business transactions(at least in the US), and that securities fraud is pretty serious offense, but I really appreciate you keeping an open mind about all that. As at different times in my life I have been variously described as a "Flim-Flam man", a "con artist", "Liar", and even "Republican", I was very pleased to see your high vote of confidence in my ability to maintain secrecy, fiduciary responsibility, and professionalism, as demonstrated by your email.
I am sorry for the delayed response, by the way, but your email was accidentally sent to my junk mail box.
I must admit to a bit of suspicion initially at your email, as I am unused to such tremendous offers such as yours coming unsolicited to my email box(most of my junk mail is ACTUAL junk). But when you mentioned that the transaction was "100% SAFE", my mind was put at great ease.
I might correct a minor error in your email - just for clarity's sake. You indicate that you wanted me to "PROSECUTE A TRANSACTION". I chuckled as I read that, since that is what we in the US call a "malapropism", made popular by a character named "Mrs. Malapropism" in a play by the British playwright Richard Brinsley Sheridan, a school favorite of mine. I am certain you meant "execute a transaction", but just wanted to share the error in all good humor and point out that the legal term "prosecute" means to pursue suit against, which is certainly not the case here unless there is some underhandedness in this dealing, which I am sure there is not. Since we are unknown to each other at present, let me demonstrate that I have a good sense of humor about this by offering another malapropism, that perhaps your comment was "Lost in transaction" - ha, ha!
Additionally, I wanted to clarify some of the specifics of your "MONATERY PROPOSAL"(sic).
I spend some of my time in a van down by the river.
You asked me to send you my address and bank account numbers for transfer. As for my address, I must inform you that I am currently between locales as there has been a bit of a mixup regarding my tax situation with our American Internal Revenue Service, and as such, that agency has claimed title to my former home. Consequently, I have been going from town to town playing the banjo in an attempt to get myself "back on my feet," as we put it. Needless to say, your offer could not have come at a better time!
First off, it is completely unacceptable the way you and your family have been treated by the current regime, and my sincerest condolences at the murder of your mother, father, and all of your siblings at the hands of the royal guard. It is obvious by your use of ALL CAPS that you are personally devastated by this, are in dire need of my assistance, and have been so impoverished by recent events that your keyboard does not include lower case keys.
Second, I am totally flattered that a prince would even consider doing business with someone like me. I mean, I know that embezzlement is a huge deal-breaker for most people in business transactions(at least in the US), and that securities fraud is pretty serious offense, but I really appreciate you keeping an open mind about all that. As at different times in my life I have been variously described as a "Flim-Flam man", a "con artist", "Liar", and even "Republican", I was very pleased to see your high vote of confidence in my ability to maintain secrecy, fiduciary responsibility, and professionalism, as demonstrated by your email.
I am sorry for the delayed response, by the way, but your email was accidentally sent to my junk mail box.
I must admit to a bit of suspicion initially at your email, as I am unused to such tremendous offers such as yours coming unsolicited to my email box(most of my junk mail is ACTUAL junk). But when you mentioned that the transaction was "100% SAFE", my mind was put at great ease.
I might correct a minor error in your email - just for clarity's sake. You indicate that you wanted me to "PROSECUTE A TRANSACTION". I chuckled as I read that, since that is what we in the US call a "malapropism", made popular by a character named "Mrs. Malapropism" in a play by the British playwright Richard Brinsley Sheridan, a school favorite of mine. I am certain you meant "execute a transaction", but just wanted to share the error in all good humor and point out that the legal term "prosecute" means to pursue suit against, which is certainly not the case here unless there is some underhandedness in this dealing, which I am sure there is not. Since we are unknown to each other at present, let me demonstrate that I have a good sense of humor about this by offering another malapropism, that perhaps your comment was "Lost in transaction" - ha, ha!
Additionally, I wanted to clarify some of the specifics of your "MONATERY PROPOSAL"(sic).
I spend some of my time in a van down by the river.
You asked me to send you my address and bank account numbers for transfer. As for my address, I must inform you that I am currently between locales as there has been a bit of a mixup regarding my tax situation with our American Internal Revenue Service, and as such, that agency has claimed title to my former home. Consequently, I have been going from town to town playing the banjo in an attempt to get myself "back on my feet," as we put it. Needless to say, your offer could not have come at a better time!
I like to relax in this van down by the river.
As to the bank account numbers: you stated that you would need around 10,000 for "POSTAGE, AND THE NECESSARIE EXPENSES FOR EXTRADITION OF MY PERSONS AND SEVERAL BAGS OF JEWELS, ARRANGED THROUGH MOST TRUSTED ASSOCIATES". Regretfully, while I am happy to send you the money, I too have had certain "cash flow problems", as they are called in the States, of late. If you could see your way clear to a short-term loan of Eighteen Thousand Dollars($18,000) US to cover my own meager costs of postage and incidental expenses, I am sure we can expedite the transaction to everyone's mutual benefit. Once that money is received, I assure you I can send your required amount of 10,000 US immediately to cover your extradition by the trusted sources you mention, to include your several bags of jewels. To our mutual benefit.
I hope you understand that I am an enthusiastic and willing participant in this transaction, and I apologize for the few minor details that might stand between us. To show my good faith, let me propose something which might seem radical to you. In your email you mention that your jewels and tanzanite-encrusted crown are worth the sum of $47,500,000 USD and that my commission for this transaction would be 20%, or $9,500,000. Again, to indicate my willingness and as a show of good faith I am willing to lower my commission to 18%, or $8,550,000. That means the meager sum of $18,000 up front is worth nearly a MILLION DOLLARS in savings to you! I hope this indicates the seriousness of my reply.
As for a bank account, I'm setting up a PayPal account so we can execute - not prosecute ;) - that transfer immediately.
You'll also forgive my short response - but I have a similar letter I need to send to a Duke in the Netherlands. I am also an apparent winner in a lottery in the UK(which I don't even remember entering!), and a finalist with Publisher's Clearing House. I realized this just this morning as I opened my junk email and found it practically full of tremendous opportunities I had previously missed - so you'll forgive me as I end this letter as I have some very important correspondence and unexpected windfalls to catch up on. Perhaps, once you are free of the current regime's tyranny and I have collected monies from your and other enterprises, we can both sit down and discuss future business opportunities?
I look forward to hearing from you!
In truth and sincerity,
Reverend Dr Anthony Gigabyte Fraggle Marquis, JD, PhD, AIM, MSNBC, XCOM.
I hope you understand that I am an enthusiastic and willing participant in this transaction, and I apologize for the few minor details that might stand between us. To show my good faith, let me propose something which might seem radical to you. In your email you mention that your jewels and tanzanite-encrusted crown are worth the sum of $47,500,000 USD and that my commission for this transaction would be 20%, or $9,500,000. Again, to indicate my willingness and as a show of good faith I am willing to lower my commission to 18%, or $8,550,000. That means the meager sum of $18,000 up front is worth nearly a MILLION DOLLARS in savings to you! I hope this indicates the seriousness of my reply.
As for a bank account, I'm setting up a PayPal account so we can execute - not prosecute ;) - that transfer immediately.
You'll also forgive my short response - but I have a similar letter I need to send to a Duke in the Netherlands. I am also an apparent winner in a lottery in the UK(which I don't even remember entering!), and a finalist with Publisher's Clearing House. I realized this just this morning as I opened my junk email and found it practically full of tremendous opportunities I had previously missed - so you'll forgive me as I end this letter as I have some very important correspondence and unexpected windfalls to catch up on. Perhaps, once you are free of the current regime's tyranny and I have collected monies from your and other enterprises, we can both sit down and discuss future business opportunities?
I look forward to hearing from you!
In truth and sincerity,
Reverend Dr Anthony Gigabyte Fraggle Marquis, JD, PhD, AIM, MSNBC, XCOM.