Terms and Conditions of Use and Service or Whatever.
PLEASE READ THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS OF USE AND SERVICE OR WHATEVER CAREFULLY BEFORE USING THIS SITE. WE MEAN IT. AND BY WE, I MEAN ME. AND BY MEAN IT, I STILL MEAN MEAN IT. AND BY IT, I MEAN THIS. AND BY THIS, I MEAN KEEP READING. THIS IS BECOMING CONFUSING AND WE’RE STILL IN THE BOLDY TYPE TITLE PART.
- Acceptance of Agreement. You agree to the terms and conditions outlined in this Terms and Conditions of use Agreement (“Agreement”) with respect to our site (“The Site”. Not “A site”, “THE Site”. But if we accidentally typed “A Site”, it still applies, don’t be a jerk about it.). This Agreement constitutes the entire and only agreement between us and you, and supersedes all prior or contemporaneous agreements, representations, warranties and understandings with respect to the Site, the content, free product samples or freebie offers or services provided by or listed on the Site, and the subject matter of this Agreement. Plus anything else we can think of. This Agreement may be amended by us at any time and at any frequency without specific notice to you. We’re changing it right now, actually, and you’re agreeing to it without having seen it. But don’t worry about it. The latest Agreement will be posted on the Site, and you should review this Agreement prior to using the Site. EVERY TIME. If you don’t, well, we warned you.
- Copyright. The content, organization, graphics, design, and other matters related to the Site are protected under applicable copyrights and other proprietary laws, including but not limited to intellectual property laws. While the site administrator admits that putting “intellectual” in this TOS is satire in itself, we still did it. So there. The copying, reproduction, use, modification or publication by you of any such matters or any part of the Site is strictly prohibited, without our express prior written permission. In other words, don’t steal our stuff and use it, mkay?
- Deleting and Modification. We reserve the right in our sole discretion, without any obligation and without any notice requirement to you, to edit or delete any documents, information or other content appearing on the Site, including this Agreement. Or your personal identity. Meh, it happens.
- Indemnification. You agree to indemnify, defend, and hold us, our officers, our share holders, our partners, attorneys and employees harmless from any and all liability, loss, damages, claim and expense, including reasonable attorney's fees, related to your violation of this Agreement or use of the Site. So basically, if anything goes sideways, you automatically take our side in this. If you agree to this TOS, in fact, you are agreeing to everything we ever say and must agree in any conversations we have. If you don’t believe us, then try it at a party. Once, when we were at a party we said that Shakespeare said that quote about socialism that Steinbeck said, just to screw with people, and when one of the guests tried to correct us we pulled out the TOS and showed him he was wrong, it was so funny.
- Disclaimer. THE CONTENT, SERVICES, FREE PRODUCT SAMPLES AND FREEBIE OFFERS FROM OR LISTED THROUGH THE SITE ARE PROVIDED "AS-IS," "AS AVAILABLE," AND ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESS, LOCAL, OR IMPLIED, ARE DISCLAIMED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO THE DISCLAIMER OF ANY IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF TITLE, NON-INFRINGEMENT, MERCHANTABILITY, QUALITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, WITH RESPECT TO THIS SITE AND ANY WEBSITE WITH WHICH IT IS LINKED. I AM NOT SURE WHY I AM TYPING IN CAPS, BUT THIS SEEMS REALLY IMPORTANT. THE INFORMATION AND SERVICES MAY CONTAIN BUGS, ERRORS, EXPLOSIVE DEVICES, OR OTHER LIMITATIONS. WE HAVE NO LIABILITY WHATSOEVER FOR YOUR USE OF ANY INFORMATION OR SERVICE. IN PARTICULAR, BUT NOT AS A LIMITATION, WE ARE NOT LIABLE FOR ANY INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING DAMAGES FOR LOSS OF BUSINESS, LOSS OF PROFITS, LOSS OF MONEY, LOSS OF HAIR, LOSS OF SPOUSE, LOSS OF BLADDER CONTROL OR URGES TO PULL ONE’S HAIR OUT, LITIGATION, OR THE LIKE), WHETHER BASED ON BREACH OF CONTRACT, BREACH OF WARRANTY, BREACH OF WHALES IN THE OCEAN, NEGLIGENCE, INCONSEQUENCE, ABSTINENCE, CHAIN-LINK-FENCE, PRODUCT LIABILITY OR OTHERWISE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES. THIS SITE AND THE INFORMATION WOULD NOT BE PROVIDED WITHOUT SUCH LIMITATIONS. NO ADVICE OR INFORMATION, WHETHER ORAL OR WRITTEN, OBTAINED BY YOU FROM US THROUGH THE SITE SHALL CREATE ANY WARRANTY, REPRESENTATION OR GUARANTEE NOT EXPRESSLY STATED IN THIS AGREEMENT. IN POINT OF FACT THERE IS NOT MUCH IN THE WAY OF ANYTHING ORAL THAT REALLY IS WORTH MENTIONING, AND IF YOU DISAGREE, WELL YOU CAN “ORAL ME”. THE INFORMATION AND ALL OTHER MATERIALS ON THE SITE ARE PROVIDED FOR GENERAL INFORMATION PURPOSES ONLY AND DO NOT CONSTITUTE PROFESSIONAL ADVICE. SERIOUSLY, IF YOU EVER GET IN FRONT OF A JUDGE AND START CLAIMING THAT WE ADVISED YOU PROFESIONALLY THEN WE DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO THINK AND YOU ARE DUMBER THAN COUSIN RICHARD. IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO EVALUATE THE ACCURACY AND COMPLETENESS OF ALL INFORMATION AVAILABLE ON THIS SITE OR ANY WEBSITE WITH WHICH IT IS LINKED. ALSO THE LINKS THAT LINK TO THE LINKS SHOULD BE CHECKED. IN YOUR FREE TIME. AT LEAST UNTIL THE LINKS POINT TO KEVIN BACON.
- Limits. All responsibility or liability for any damages caused by viruses contained within the electronic file containing the form or document is disclaimed. We will not be liable to you for any incidental, special or consequential damages of any kind that may result from use of or inability to use the site. Whatever damages result from your ‘inability to use’ this site would be pretty funny to argue in court, actually. We’re flexible on this one, because that part would be hilarious to hear.
- Third-Party Website. All rules, terms and conditions, shampoo and other personal hygiene products, other policies (including privacy policies) and operating procedures of third-party linked websites will apply to you while on such websites. We are not responsible for the content, accuracy or opinions express in such Websites, I mean really we’re not even responsible for our own opinions so what makes you think we’d be responsible for their opinions? God you are such a d*ck. This Site and the third-party linked websites are independent entities and neither party has authority to make any representations or commitments on behalf of the other, although if they make a commitment for us that we think is cool that’s totally okay. If you decide to leave our Site and access these third-party linked sites, you do so with full knowledge that you are a jerk for leaving our site, EVER. We work really hard on content and even having to include this clause hurts our feelings. And by us, I mean me. I’m using the royal ‘us’ because it makes me seem less emo.
- Third-Party Products and Services. We advertise third-party linked websites from which you may purchase or otherwise obtain certain sample goods, freebie offerings or free trial services. Well, we don’t really. It’s probably a good idea to include this in the TOS, though, because you never know. Maybe some Illuminati fatcat will offer us, like a gazillion dollars to advertise some mind-control device if we advertise it on our site. If that happens, then we would totally do it, despite the obvious moral fail, because it’s like indecent proposal, everyone has a price, you know? We’re only human, and in America, humans love money. You understand that we do not operate or control the products, free offerings or services offered by third-party linked websites. This is especially true if they are mind control devices. Come to think of it, if the Illuminati have a mind-control device they could get us to advertise it without paying us. Third-party linked websites are responsible for all aspects of order processing, fulfillment – whether you are actually fulfilled or not is not our problem AT ALL - billing and “customer service.” Originally the term “customer service” was not in quotations, but increasingly what passes for customer service is just a moron on the other end of a phone reading a script, so, hence, the quotation marks. I mean really, India? I don’t even speak Indian. We are not a party to the transactions entered into between you and third-party linked websites. It would be cool if you did invite us to those parties once in awhile, though, you know? You agree that use of such third-party linked websites is at your sole risk and is without warranties of any kind by us, expressed, implied or otherwise. Under no circumstances are we liable for any damages arising from the transactions between you and third-party linked websites or - blah blah blah omg this is boring the crap out of ME, and I’m writing the effing thing - for any information appearing on third-party linked websites or any other site linked to or from our site. If you are still awake, you are totally a lawyer.
- Submissions and dominances. All suggestions, hints, ideas, innuendoes, notes, secret codexes(codi? Wtf) concepts and other information you may send to us or we send to you(collectively, "Dom/Subs") shall be deemed and shall remain our sole property and shall not be subject to any obligation of confidence on our part. Without limiting the foregoing, we shall be deemed to own all known and hereafter existing rights of every kind and kinky act regarding the Dom/Subs and shall be entitled to unrestricted use of the Dom/Subs for any purpose, without compensation to the provider of the Dom/Subs. We do not pay for it. It’s funny that I hardly needed to edit this part at all from an actual TOS.
- General. You agree that all actions or proceedings, precedings, cedings, or just “dings” arising directly or indirectly out of this agreement, or your use of the site or any sample products, freebie offers or services obtained by you through such use, shall be litigated in the circuit court of wherever I am living right now. You are expressly submitting and consenting(see “dom/subs”) in advance to such jurisdiction in any action or proceeding in any of such courts, and are waiving any claim that my place, USA is an inconvenient forum or an improper forum based on lack of venue. That’s totally lame dude, and if you’re a lawyer making that argument your client just needs to nut up and come over to my place. I’m sure a beer would settle the matter anyway. This site is controlled by some unnamed shell corporation. As such, the laws of the state I’m living in will govern the terms and conditions contained in this Agreement and elsewhere throughout the Site, without giving effect to any principles of conflicts of laws. Did I use the right “principles” or is that “principal”, because I have a friend who hates it when I get that wrong, it’s like a toothpaste pet peeve and I don’t blame him because wrong grammer is stupid.